And the rollercoaster repeats

 I’ve done it again, blocked her once again and backed out on my promise to pay for her trip here. The vindication feels good but I need to see it. I need to bear the fruits of my lack of empathy. And tomorrow we apologize and do it again because I act on emotion. Actually no. No apology tomorrow, my ego won’t let me. I said I’d pay for her trip, she never replied in a timely manner so I gave into emotion and blocked her. Her birthday Is the 19th. I don’t think I’m going to talk to her any time soon not even to tell her that. Although I’ve said this before. I just want her to feel what she makes me feel even though she doesn’t deserve it. I’m sure we’ll be talking by Wednesday and she’ll come to town. Idk tho. I’ll probably just leave her blocked.

Loved but not liked

 Everywhere I look I see a club I’m not allowed to be a part of. Sitting, watching from the sidelines. Feeling left out and abandoned. A shell a human. A big fancy house with an extravagant exterior, but an empty lifeless interior. I guess in the end all we really have is ourselves. Only I can make myself happy. I was doing good then BAM! Emotions kicked in overdrive and ran me over. Oh well, the cycle repeats and we wait until it happens again. 

I’m not sure what to do, I can’t be friends much longer. I keep sabotaging it and it only hurts me. I know they don’t care, they never did. So why should I? 

My favorite human. My favorite mistake.